I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
it's great music for shaving your balls
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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