im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
birth control should be required to get into college
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
