Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
