Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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