you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
