At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Randomize
