you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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