I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
false alarm, still single
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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