My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
