you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
