I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
