@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
