I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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