I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
