After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
