she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
