and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
