I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
