I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
