Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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