i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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