two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
