your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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