Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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