I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
