i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
sex in a hospital.. check
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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