god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
