The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
