I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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