She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
