Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
