My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
