Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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