Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
