Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
