i wish my penis had a tongue
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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