Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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