I wish I could punch you in the face.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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