apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
