im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
