I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
