Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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