i just made my gag reflex go away.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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