Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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