Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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