made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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