I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
