I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
