Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
