I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
