I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
