I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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